Pete's...heart....fly....Tales

For a while my mind was stuck on an image of a brave young boy walking through a charred meadow looking for, and ultimately facing, a dragon straight from his nightmares. But, like the commercial that spawned this image in my mind, it stopped right as the boy realizes he's facing what he knew all along he would find, and at the same time, fearing that he was right about what was waiting there for him, unseen in the shadows.
This image that hung over me like a hazy mist kept me questioning if, in my imagination, I was the boy, and further, what was the dragon? In a way, I wish I could see there in front of me just what happened after the boy and the dragon stood face to face. I've been seeking the answers to all my inner fears lately. And although some of those fears are indeed the stuff of nightmares, I've realized these past few weeks that some of those fears are simply created by the emotion of fear itself. In other words, I've become more and more cognizant of the fact that by facing, or more appropriately, embracing my fears, it stops them from growing. It makes them not seem as menacing and endless. Being able to see that light of self-assurance at the end of the fear tunnel is actually one of the greatest feelings I've ever known. I have many tunnels to traverse in the coming weeks, months, years. But not being afraid of what I can't see will continue to serve me like no other tool ever could. Choosing to not be afraid. That's a powerful idea. There is actually fire in the breath of that thought. It has to be fostered.
All along I assumed I was that boy. Is it entirely possible that, in fact, I never noticed that I might just be the dragon after all?
I find it interesting that my new adventure in discovering yoga has taught me how to achieve "breath of fire"....the deep, rapid breathing technique that stimulates your energy within. And to be honest, I hadn't thought of the idea of the boy and the dragon in a few weeks. But my wife asked me about it just the other day. How the universe finds a way to continually reach out and touch us never ceases to astound me. Maybe I'm just paying more attention. Or perhaps by seeking real truth within yourself you subconsciously open a door to the universe that was once previously shut. Either way, I'm loving this daily Journey of All Things Discoverable. That's what I'll now refer to it as...it sounds so...I don't know.....epic and grandiose. To my closest friends I'll refer to it simply as JAT-D (not to be confused with "jaded"...that would just be counter-productive).
I'm thinking that soon I might post something on this blog that isn't actually about my JAT-D (yes, you are among my closest friends...rejoice). A funny story, perhaps. Or a rambling, ambling tale of boys and dragons, and how to differentiate the two. I suppose only time will tell.
But in the meantime, I'll keep practicing breath of fire in the hopes that I'll be a truly fantastic dragon one of these days.

Let's Dance

I had an amazing experience yesterday. I went to my first Kundalini yoga and meditation class. It was at a place called Golden Bridge, right across the street from the greatest movie theater in the universe. I gotta tell you, it was truly one of the coolest experiences in my adult life. It began in an unexpected way. The teacher played some amazing Indian music, which filled the room with a sultry, rhythmic sensibility. We were encouraged to move any way we felt necessary as the music played. As my mind slowly let go of feeling too aware of myself, I found myself dancing with pure, unadulterated joy, finally not caring how it would look to anyone else. For at that very moment, I realized I've spent far too much time and energy in my life worrying about what others think of me. Now I realize it's one thing to say that last sentence, and an entirely different thing to actually LIVE by it. But I'll just add it to the shopping cart I've started filling lately. I like all the new stuff going on in my mind, my life, myself. This new adventure, however, my latest open door, is something I feel totally ready to take on...to breathe in, to let go, to BE. Now I can't wait until next weekend when I can go back and dance like a madman again. What a strange journey this life is, if you pay close enough attention.
Truly good things I wish to all who read this. Thank you all for your continued support.

Quitter

I shared a book with a workmate today. It's a book that helped me change the way I look at problems in my life now. That book is called "The Easyway To Quit Smoking", by Allen Carr. A friend bought the book for me when I told him that it was finally time that I quit, for good. You see, I've been a smoker for the better part of 19 years. Of course I kept that fact from most of my family, for fear of constant worrying and much gnashing of teeth. So I was always, in one fashion or another, a bit of a closet smoker. I was always as conscientious as I knew how to be when I was smoking, especially around non-smokers. Of course, the most conscientious thing I could have done would have been to not smoke around them at all....but I digress. No regrets, no need to beat myself up at this point. I read an interesting quote recently that applies in this regard. It says (and I'm paraphrasing here), "Don't look back unless you plan on going there". I like that quote.
So this book I loaned...back to that. I had already snuffed out my last cigarette when I started reading the book. I quickly found out that part of the process was NOT to quit until I was finished reading the book. So I made a quick decision, one that I still am a bit proud of: screw it...I've already said to myself that I had had my last one...why start again just until i finish the book? Seemed like I would be somehow tempting fate. So I read the whole book, without having lit another ciggy. I'm here to tell you....it doesn't matter whether you smoke while reading or not....I'm absolutely cured of the nicotine monster. Truly amazing. As my dear friend Barbara said about quitting using the Easyway method, "It's been so easy, it feels like I'm cheating". And she's right. I couldn't be happier to be a non-smoker now. Not once did I experience the "pain of withdrawl" or overt crankiness since I quit. It's all about how you think about the process of quitting. It's not about why you shouldn't smoke....everybody knows that, especially smokers. It's about why you smoke in the first place....why you tried so hard to get hooked when you first started....and it's about recognizing that your belief in yourself as a positive force for change is important and true.
Since quitting almost 5 weeks ago, some friends have taken notice of the changes in my life. As have I. It really isn't all about the not-smoking either. It's about seeing the ability to change the things in your life that can, and need to, be changed. Since I quit, I've actually been in touch with the part of me that likes writing. Finally...good lord, it's been a long long time since I sat with that chap and talked awhile. The conversation is going really really well so far. I'll keep you updated.
But anyway, nothing too poignant or deep today. Just a reflection on an important step to be coming more true to myself. I suppose that's what this blog is for as well....so perhaps it's just all falling together at just the right time.
It's good to smile a bit at your own accomplishments from time to time. Especially the ones that are making you feel so damn good.

Something for Nothing (with capital letters, Mr. Miya)

Although it's been said that Something is better than Nothing, it really all comes down to what, exactly, that Something is. As I've recently discussed with someone whose opinion I value above any other, the pursuit of Nothing can be a truly awesome venture. But since I went on and on about Nothing in my last posting, I'll spare you all by not repeating myself. What's important is recognizing when you have Something that really makes you question yourself and seek out answers that only your own mind can answer. Only then can the Nothings become as amazing as they should be. In other words, I'm not sure if achieving Nothing is entirely possible without recognizing and celebrating all the Somethings in your life. As I sit here today, breathing easier than I have in weeks, I'm drawn to all the warmness and loveliness that I've recently discovered within myself. And today I find the strength and the lack of fear overwhelmingly awe-inspiring and refreshing. I most certainly have Something worth Everything. There is Nothing in this world I want more.

Nothing

the art of being

the art of simply being. an art it is, no doubt. harder to achieve than any thinking person may believe. a challenge that begins for me now. and a lesson in life that should help carry me through the most daunting of times. the concept itself is one that makes perfect, zen-like sense. to learn, through patience and humility, to be still, to be aware, to ingest, to partake, to relax, to let go. i truly believe it would be harder to perfect the art of sculpting or painting than to touch the glimmering hem on the cape of being. the cape of being. sounds like something enshrined in the hall of justice, to be revered by the superheroes of the world. i suppose that is fairly apropos, come to think of it. the trick of this elusive trade comes in the onset. since most of us spend our lives running and doing, huffing and puffing, zinging and moving, finding the end of the string to wind around the spool just to get started seems as difficult a beginning of a task that i've ever heard of. i suppose it's along the lines of the method of homeschooling we're endeavoring at home, namely unschooling. the idea of unlearning what has been set in place for years, since we were small, is an incredibly challenging, yet liberating, journey.
on a more personal level, i have to start this journey before any more time escapes me. i've been searching, sometimes in vain, to find my place in this world. to feel in touch with the pulsating world of words that surrounds this planet. i've begun to feel the strong surge within me. i have mountains to climb, oceans to swim, fences to mend, and one restless soul to soothe. but it all starts with finding the end of that string. just that. once that is accomplished, the rest should come easier. the answers to all that i seek won't be far behind. of this i am convinced. the saying that it's about the journey, not the destination, is rather true for me in this case. it's a journey that has its share of potholes and dark alleys, to be sure. but there are some cafes and newsstands along the way that simply can't be beat. they are my friends. my support. and time with them is as precious and perfect as anything i've witnessed in my nearly 40 years. without those oases, this desert could kill a man. this man. me.
aha...now i've taken an unexpected detour on my journey to being. it's easy to do. so many things to see and appreciate. it's a constantly-changing roadway with no clearly defined lanes. so my focus is needed and my resolve is essential. there's now plenty of fuel in the tank, the road lies ahead of me. i just need to say goodbye to some old fears and self-doubts. it's harder to let go than it should be. everything in my being should WANT to be rid of those things. but as i said, time to unlearn what's been set in stone for too long.
soon enough, the road will get smoother. the traffic lighter. the breeze breezier. the journey i'm starting is one that will take me to places i can't currently foresee. i know what my destination is, but getting there is more fluid. there's no roadmap. no internal GPS. not even a signpost to help me find my way. it's pure instinct that leads me ahead, toward my goal of simply being. as of now i'm simply becoming. not a bad place to start my journey.
i'll send you a postcard.
wish you were here.
having a wonderful time...

The Roots

the phrase "digging deep" has been swirling around in my head the last few days. too bad i don't have some type of forum in which i can write it out...see if there's something to it. oh wait...nevermind. so here i sit, looking into the open heavens of my mind, focusing on that phrase, allowing it to come to the forefront...letting it settle. let's watch it land on the branch of truth and spread its wings. digging deep. the obvious meaning to me is when, for example, a runner is in the last quarter-mile of a long run. the only way to finish the run on an uptick would be by digging deep and finding that last bit of oopmh, to get that final kick into gear and finish the run with an unbroken stride, head held high.
thinking beyond that obvious example, my mind is playing with the idea of this phrase in a different way. i imagine my fears and insecurities as thick, old roots living well within the soil of my being. and with any growth that you wish to remove, in the hopes of planting new, beautiful hopes and ideas, it is absolutley necessary to clear whatever roots of previous growths still exist. it's not enough to grab hold of the stalks on the surface and simply pull them out. you really do have to dig deep and get under the gnarled things. only once you've dug as deeply as you can will you be able to tear those roots free and create the space necessary to start a new garden. some of the surrounding soil may need to be removed as well, replaced by the fresh, nourishing compost of friendship and trust. but it is the act of digging deep that gives you the best, first chance at removing that which is choking you. pretending the roots aren't there won't make them disappear. only active, earnest work will remove them, once and for all.
isn't it exciting to think about the garden that could await you once this is accomplished? there are no rules in this garden. plant what is beautiful. reap what is good. take care of these new budding plants and i guarantee they will give you a lifetime of fruit and oxygen. those old weeds of fear and insecurity were never going to give you anything anyway. they took up valuable time and space, and they really made your garden look sad and withered.
allow the new goodness to grow. then dig deep and embrace every minute.

but i digress...

last night i attempted to post to the blog via my blackberry, which is apparently doable. but because it would have to be sent as a text message, i realized there was no way i would be able to get my thoughts in to such a compressed space. hence, no entry from yesterday. this may sound like a lame excuse, when in reality, i had plenty to say about my yesterday. so now i will just have to do two entries today to keep my promise to myself intact. there's nothing worse than lying to yourself. well....there are things that seem worse, but at the end of the day, YOU are the only person you HAVE to live with for the rest of your life....so why lie to your ultimate soulmate?

yesterday was a good day. a very good day. it's not as though the events of yesterday are the cure to all that ails me, but it was a fantastic reminder of just how life keeps going. it's so easy to get immersed in your current problems that it can be extremely hard to focus on the wonderful moments that happen in life, and that you can be a part of these events with little effort.
i jumped in the ocean yesterday. i got tossed about the pounding surf. i let it wash over me, surround me, lift me. i pounded back, dove under it, rose over it, rode it. it was righteous. simply, awesomely righteous. even when i tried to go over a crashing wave and remembered, all too well, sometimes you have to dive down when the urge is, in fact, to force the rising above. learning to go with the flow is never more obvious than when bobbing about in a restless sea. i learned a lot yesterday. i'm sure in the coming days, upon further reflection, it will become even more clear to me what the universe was teaching me in those wonderful, refreshing, awesome moments when i became part of the bigger world around me. righteous.

every day i (don't have to) write the book

since making the commitment to myself to post something on my blog every day, i certainly realized in the back of my mind that some days would produce thoughtful, interesting ideas that i could put into the universe via this avenue. and in recognizing this, i must also confess that i realized there would be days like this; days that are quiet, subdued, entirely necessary....and fairly devoid of poignant, personal, shareable ideas. and since i promised not to be too hard on myself regardless of the type of entry i would be making, i relieved myself of all guilt ahead of time. that's a new one for me. i often wear guilt like an undershirt. the kind of undershirt that doesn't fit quite right and has stains from who-knows-what. it's time for a new wardrobe. inside and out. and this time, these won't be any emperor's clothes. they'll be mine. all mine. how they fit is entirely up to me. and i like that. i really really like that. so here we are, at the end of today's entry. i did what i promised myself i would do. so far so good. i haven't changed the world, but neither has the world changed me. all that's changed is my undershirt. i can totally live with that.

anybody seen my keys?

on occasion i find myself feeling as though i've forgotten to do something, or left something in my car, or failed to give someone an important message. when it turns out there was nothing i'd forgotten, i tend to question what the hell it was all about. there's a specific example of this that will always stay with me. it was the day we brought our first child, the beautiful mackenzie, home from the hospital after she was born. after we got home, i needed to run to the store to pick up some snacks because we had friends and family coming by in droves. as i was wandering, seemingly aimless, through the glaring fluorescent aisles, searching for edibles i couldn't imagine ingesting, i got a peculiar feeling. so i called my wife and told her that for some reason i had the feeling as though i'd lost my keys. but i hadn't. they were there, as always, in my right pocket. but even though i could feel them on each repeated grope to verify, i still felt keyless. and today i realized that it wasn't about my mind not understanding that my keys were actually still IN my pocket...but rather my brain was processing being away from my new family unit after nine months of intense togetherness that created a visual that i could define more easily, to explain the momentary emptiness i was suddenly feeling. so i wonder what the brain is truly capable of, when given the evidence above, if it can actually substitute a familiar feeling into the ether where an unfamiliar feeling currently exists. i suppose that's a much better option than your brain making you just go "poqiwdfmzggca;oisudc" when faced with a new feeling. although the latter choice would be so much funnier to witness. we've been told our whole lives how powerful our brains are, and how we only use a mere sliver of the whole pie. i've always thought how cool it would be if we could tap into the other, baby-butt tender portions of our brain that aren't usually used. the potential is staggering, even breathtaking. though i must say that whatever amount of my brain is currently being used seems to be enough to get me by. perhaps enough to even soar above my own expectations. to keep me moving toward the truth within me. and if the potential for my creative existence is as limitless as i believe it is today, even using only the percentage of my brain that i currently do, how amazing the thought of utilizing the whole of the gray matter. imagine the pursuits and adventures. as i close my eyes now to imagine such things, it occurs to me that i know where my keys are.

and now for something completely different

i can't tell you how amazing it is to walk around for a whole day without having to stop occasionally and steady myself. i mean, i'm sure you can imagine how annoying having to do that all the time must be, but i'm here to tell you....i haven't been free of that suffocating malady for nearly 5 years. so i just dropped by to mention how truly energizing and uplifting it is.
i'm using the "tired" excuse tonight for only writing this teeny blurb...but it's important. more important than you can actually imagine. it's good to be back.

Not the t.v. show...

This is to the band of brothers and sisters I have the great privilege to call my friends. You never really recognize how important they are until you feel the most lonely. I don't quite understand that, but it seems to be true. At true moments of panic, when despair seems ready to swallow you up, the most amazing things can happen. Like a beam of light in the murky darkness, cutting through the dizzying haze of uncertainty, the voice of a friend finds your heart, and something to cling to as you wait for the clouds to pass. Then another voice, another friend, reminding you just how much you are loved. Just how much you are cherished. And with any luck, you'll find the strength to recognize those things in yourself....all because of your friends.

The Little Man

There's a little man inside my head
Shouting at me til his eyeballs go red
Keeping me guessing
Making me doubt
Making me feel like a flip-floppy trout

When I open my mouth, or my heart, so it seems
He launches right into his ludicrous screams
About how I'm wrong about this and then that
And then I retreat to my safety net, stat!

He sounds like he knows what he's talking about
With every blustery, blubbery shout
Spinning me round, all confused and adrift
Until I don't know any more of my gift

It's a crime that keeps going and getting committed
I'm sure a straightjacket he wants for me fitted
But now that I'm onto him, knowing his schemes
I simply remember, you can't yell at dreams

The road that's ahead may be bumpy and scary
But that's all ok, least i've lost that clown fairy
My head is less foggy, my senses alert
I'm ready, I think, to let go of the hurt

Why do I stray from what I know will make me whole?

I have been away, like in some kind of self-induced creative coma, for far far too long. And it gets to me...eventually. I wonder how many times I will run straight into the same damned tree before I figure out how to better navigate the forest around me.... Too many times, apparently....too long between the cleansing showers of self-immersion...self-reflection. I've realized it stems from not being completely comfortable talking about myself with any real sense of certainty...always second-guessing my thoughts, feelings, reactions. It truly is a tangled web I constantly weave in and around myself. The reason for this continual loop of frustration seems just outside my grasp, there in the darkness, waiting for me. I suppose the good news is that it's not mocking me, not laughing at my failed attempts to understand. Like it's patiently waiting there, knowing that if I find the right tools, I'm bound to hold it in my hands, blindingly brilliant, the knowledge that keeps me sane, keeps me laughing, keeps me whole. Waiting for me to find it.
So I'm off to see the wizard. Wish me luck.